I No Longer Lack..

My name is April; well I’m using my niece name for many reasons. Anyway, I grew up poor, but now I have more than most. I grew up on food stamps. We still did not have much to eat majority of the time, because we would eat all the food the first two weeks of the month.  My two brothers and father would eat until everything was gone. I would take the food I wanted and hide it in order to eat. We always lacked in something; if it was not food it was something like toothpaste, tissue, or paper for school. I never seemed to have what others had around me. I could not play sports or be involved in band because we could not afford the uniforms or instrument. I hated my life because of not having money.

Thank goodness I was smart in school. I did very well in school, which helped me get a scholarship in order to go to college. The first year of college was hard for me because I looked different and smell terrible according to other people. I had no idea how bad I looked until I entered college. The girls had very nice clothes and they smell better than my cheap soap I used to wash with every other day. I did not know people took showers everyday. My parents only encouraged us to shower at least two times a week to prevent from using a lot of water. People called me “Musky” in college my first two semesters. Two of my roommates moved out of my dorm room because they stated they could not managed the smell. My third roommate did not leave me, but talked to me about how to take care of myself. I never met someone so nice; she really cared for my wellbeing.

One Thanksgiving she invited me to come home with her to meet her family. Her parents paid for my plane ticket and were very kind. I never had been in a house that big before in my life. It had five bedrooms, their kitchen was enormous, and the door nobs were so beautiful. My friend would always say, “There is nothing like Orange County!” She was right that place was beautiful and I knew one day I would move there to live. Her parents bought me clothes to wear to church. This was my first time having a dress and shoes cost more than $10.00 and not from Goodwill. This was also my first time ever going to church. My father would say God doesn’t answer prayers. He claimed that he prayed for years for God to help him take care of our family, but nothing happened. So he gave up on God.  We never went to church or prayed about anything.  However, the people at the church did not look poor so I quickly knew my father was incorrect about God not answering prayers.  They appeared to be happy. I left there feeling like there was hope for me. I did not always have to be poor and hate my life.

I talked to my friend’s parents about what I was feeling and how I want to change my life and be happy with my life. Her father told me his story of how he was very depressed and he had money. He explained how money does not make people happy or give the hope we need. Her mother told her story how she needed more than money in order to experience value and true love. I did not understand them then because I felt having money would be different for me because I never had it.

Well, fifteen years later I realized what my dear friend parents were taking about. I married a man who was very wealthy. He treated me nice, I had more than enough to spend, but deep within I still was not happy. I remember taking a shower and the stories of my friend’s parents came to me. I called her soon as I got out the shower, but her husband answered her phone to my surprise. He informed me they were in the hospital because she just had twin boys. I heard her mother talking in the background and I asked him if I could speak with her. Her mother introduced me to Jesus Christ. I repented of my sins and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior on that phone call. My life has not been the same. I thought money would be the key, but having a relationship with God was what I needed all the time. I no longer feel like I’m lacking in anything.

Thanks for reading my story

Contemplation of Suicide Multiple Times... Today I'm a Nurse that Helps

40 years ago (give or take a few months) I was born. I grew up in a small town. There was not much to do when you grow up poor, especially when your parents have three others to care for too. I was second on the totem pole of the siblings in my immediate family. I spent as much time as I could, in the library and at church. Our library was small but very relevant. All the new movies that came out during that time, that we never got to see in the theater, (Star wars and ET for example) the local library carried the books with pictures and a short synopsis of the movie in them. It helped me to feel as if I saw the film, although I did not. ( I have not seen all of E. T. to this date). I lived for school, church and my family. I was the favorite of my teachers at church and at school because I was so eager to learn, do my best and be a “good girl”.  I was my maternal grandma’s favorite too.  (I have written proof of this).

I was in third grade when I was first baptized. I believe it was in March, but it could have easily been in April. It was an enchanting conversion. I was last of the three youths who were baptized that Sunday. First, Corey, then Anita , and then me. I did not ask my parents’ permission to do so. I was invited just like any other sinner is/was. “Is there anyone else who wants to get baptized today?” asked Pastor Johnson. I felt a strong inclination to go. It was as if I were physically aligned with the water to my heart. I had no other choice! I had to go. I felt as if I were in a state of a trance and I had no control over this decision. I also felt so compelled to be baptized on that Sunday.  As I rose to go get ready, I felt as if I was attached  to a clothesline and the spirit of God was reeling me in to Him in the direction of the alter. If my parents had told me I could not have been baptized, I think I would have despised them forever. My life would have been ruined. I would have been extremely promiscuous, a drug  addict , and a superbly bitter, angry and hateful  woman.  I would never have had the strength to overcome many of the obstacles I faced from age 8 until now. Pastor Johnson did ask my parents if it was ok and they both agreed and I was baptized. My mom looked a little teary and my dad was praising God. I came out of the water jumping up and down and praising God, just like Corey and Anita. I certainly did not try to imitate them at all, but, I could not help it.  Before being submerged under the water, I was told to cross my arms and hold my breath by pinching my nose. As I was submerged, I had an out of body experience!!  I saw myself getting baptized!! It was surreal to see myself go under the water and realize that at the same time, that I felt as if I was standing and looking at myself as a spectator.  I was watching myself being submerged in the freezing cold water. Later on, weeks later, I tarried for the Holy Ghost at a revival hosted by my Late Uncle Robert from Fayetteville, NC. Bernadette, Corey, I and a few others were brought into the church dining room and were read the story that culminated in Acts2:38 by Zander Johnson. (The story of the upper room-to set the “mood” if you will).  We prayed and were encouraged to praise God. We started all monotone and unsure of ourselves, but I got to thanking Jesus sincerely and my left hand went up and I don’t remember a whole lot after that. I do remember that everybody that was once in a small prayer circle was in different locations in the dining area praising God individually. There was an alter worker near each of us encouraging us to praise God and praising God with us. Claretha was in my ear and at one point she asked me what was I thanking Him for and I blurted out “the Holy Ghost” not knowing what else to say and being lead by the spirit, of course!  Once I confessed, the alter workers’ work was done and she kind of left me alone. 

Anyway that experience prepared me to deal with the death of my Grandfather, my parents’ divorce, physical and emotional separation and alienation from my parents and siblings because of the divorce of my parents. I also dealt with my parent’s moods, emotional and sometimes physical abuse because I reminded each of them so much of the other one when living with them individually after their divorce. It also helped me deal with attending 4 different high schools within 4 years, making and loosing friends, graduating High school, college, contemplation of suicide multiple times while a sophomore at FSU, being too scared and proud to get help for clinical depression, manicurist school, dropping out of Grad school, my own marriage and divorce, getting help for depression, getting kicked out of marriage counseling, getting kicked out of two other counselors care because I had goals and I was a boring patient. I was able to cope with, living alone for the first time, the death of my 4 of my family members from a car accident on their way back from a wedding in GA, maternal grandma’s death, moving to Charlotte, losing my best friends (one to death and the others to jealous scheming and a wedding) (Congratulations, my Love ring a bell?). I was able to also cope with working two crappy jobs to pay debt my x-husband left me with. [That mustard-(change the mu in mustard to b- a please] still owes me over 18,000 dollars!!! Lord forgive me for cursing!-And I will get it all back, so help me Jesus!). I also dealt with not trusting men and women, getting rejected by the Air Force for having eczema, watching my nieces and nephews grow up, purchasing a home, break- ups. I also had the privilege of revisiting a child hood dream and I enrolled in nursing school. It was like boot camp and hell all in one. As a result of that success, I was able to begin working at a hospital. I experienced buying my first new car, getting an MSN in nursing with a concentration in Family Practice which was difficult to do too. (Like boot camp and hell in a hand basket, times 10-to the millionth power- challenging). In addition to that, a certification exam had to be taken, then the job search. While undergoing the MSN experience I was able to get scary medical diagnoses. My dad moved to Charlotte, bringing his unique set of challenges. I am currently enduring my first NP job. I got to go to Las Vegas for the first time for my first AANP (American Academy of Nurse Practitioners) conference. While there, I was able to tour the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam and many important points of interest while I was in the Vegas neighborhood. I also got to deal with a lot of goings on surrounding my brother’s recent wedding.  

All of these great and horrible experiences could not have been faced by me without my prayer life. I know that having begun a relationship with God at an early age spared me from a lot of despair and from death by my own hands and the hands of others. I discovered that I did not want to die, but I did not know how to live (quote from Pastor John P. Kee). I am learning everyday how to live as I have come full circle. I am now at the living alone stage again.  I am learning how now to take care of myself and do things for me because all the others that I did for and lived for and through do not need me to care for them. They have grown up. So now, the woman who God delivered from being a yes girl and a doormat can focus on herself more and learn and grow more even at the ripe age of 40.

Written by Neda Williams Farmer

Please send your story to realtrueconversations@gmail.com

Heavy D's Last Words!

Think about what you write on your Tweeter page, Facebook page, Myspace Page, or your Youtube updates. What if it was your last words your family and friends read from you? 

It is believed that Heavy D’s death was “medical” or he had a heart attack. An associate of Heavy D told gossip site that the rapper was ill with pneumonia. We have no idea how Heavy D, a hip-hop rapper died, but we all know the date, November 8, 2011 of his death. We also know he was a 44-year-old man. His mother named him Dwight Arrington Mayers at birth. He left a beautiful daughter whom he was very close to or had a great relationship with, plus a mother that cherished her son. This could have been you, for we do not know the time or hour of our last words. 

It was said he was returning to his home from a shopping trip, but found himself not being able to breath after trying to walk up his stairs. Can you imagine, going Holiday shopping for your friends and family and as you were walking to your car, you find yourself not being able to breath? Most of us do not think of this happening to our family members, or us but it can. Guess what Heavy’ D’s last words were on his Tweeter page? You don’t have to guess, we will tell you, it was “Be Inspired!” 

True Conversations! dedicate this note on 11/11/11 to Heavy D (R.I.P) and his family and friends. Our condolences go out to all in his circle. 

Heavy D, True Conversations! choose to Be Inspired and will tell stories of others unedited!! Thank you for telling your stories in your music!!

Inside War

"I had a war of fear growing inside of me. This war took over my thoughts and brought fear of becoming sick because I was overweight. Oh don’t think I wanted to be an overweight southern bell, I just could not get the weight off. I went to the gym, ate right, and tried every diet in the book, but the weight would not come off.  My family members suffer with diabetes and high blood pressure and when I hit the 270 pound mark I knew diabetes was calling my name and that brought more fear.  I had to do something because this war was destroying every part of my life.

I was looking at Dr. Oz show one day and he was talking about the HCG diet” Was it a Fad or Was it Real!”  People on the show story was like mine, they tried everything and just could not lose weight until they tried the HCG diet. I said to myself, “It my time for my weight loss miracle.” I went on line and order Milestone HCG Drops. My husband decided to go on the HCG diet with me because he was overweight too, he stated “Together we Stand, Divided we Die” and we both knew we had children to live for. 

The first week on the Milestone HCG Drops the war begin to end, I lost 10 pounds and he lost 15! As I lost more weight the fear of death begin to leave. It was the first time in 9 years I felt life again! Words can not express my weight loss miracle. In 6 weeks the battle was over and the war was won! My husband is a new man and I’m a new woman! My mission in life is to encourage others who are over weight and let them know they can win the battle! Milestone HCG Drop was my weapon in this war and I hope it can help others like it helped me!  If you would like to purchase Milestone HCG Drops go to www.milestonehcgdrops.com."

Rolisha Cain

I AM A BULLY!

True Conversations! Encourage you to really learn more about bullying facts and help stop this in our schools and in your personal lives. American schools harbor approximately 4.0 million bullies and 4.7 million of their victims (National School Safety Center). Please read this story of a parent who has a son that is a bully and how she realized she was also a bully.

"I'm a parent that encourage my children to protect themselves from bullies, but I had no idea my son bullied other students. He did not start off this way, but in order to fit in with his peers he believed it was ok to pick on students with disabilities or not sure of themselves. He said he did not want to be the child people joked on so he became the child that joked on others. I was so disappointed, but my husband thought it was normal and told our son he was the same way. I was against it and hoped my son reaped what he sow. It did happened one day just like this young man in this video (video is at the end of story). My son came home in worse shape, he ended up with a broken arm and two black eyes. My husband was so upset and wanted to sue the family. Although it was my son, I felt he needed just what he received and refused to allow my husband to press charges. 

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Today, my son still seek other children to bully and have not learn his lesson, but afraid to mess with the child that beat him up. I was so happy the child in the video stood up for himself, maybe because I was also the kid many felt it was ok to bully. I never stood up for myself, but walked away. Hoping it would eventually stop. It did slow down when  I got in high school because the guys started liking other body parts I had instead of my face, but the girls continue to pick on me. 

I am in my early 40s and I still deal with self-esteem issues. I realized I'm also a bully after talking to my therapist, because I find myself talking negative to others about themselves in front of people so I can look better than others. As a supervisor I bully my staff to do what I feel needs to be done and pick on them in business meetings. Especially if I think they are doing a terrible job in order to use them as examples. I embarrass my children by threaten them in front of others of how I'm going to beat their a** if they don't act accordingly in order to control themselves. I force my friends to do what I want them to do and if they don't I may withdraw or get the friends we share to choose me over them. I use to call it protecting myself, but at the end I want to be liked because of my own insecurities.  I'm just as bad as a bully if I'm really honest with myself, because we both have the same goals. 

I don't think no one goes around saying they are a bully, but I know many that are and I never thought I was one. After talking about it with my therapist I figured out I don't understand my true worth so I want to be seen as the better person. Bullies are the people with the insecurities, so we seek victims in order to help ourselves feel better. I know it's crazy, but for some reason we believe this is what we need.  I'm writing this story because I was asked to by my therapist. It is very therapeutic, I really learn something in the past two session (lol). Now I'm in the process of changing what I believe to help my behavior become more natural or me, like my therapist indicated in our meeting. I have a LONG way to go, but with God's help and listening to my therapist I will stop. 

If you find yourself putting others down because you want them to do something or look bad please know you are just like me a bully. If you try to control your friends or use any types of tactics weather it is passive or aggressive to look better or cause harm - you are a BULLY. We have to stop this madness!

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Children that are bullies usually have parents that are bullies and I'm example of this. I've been working on my son to stop, by getting him professional help plus attending church. I have not seen any progress as of yet because it's only been 2 weeks. I'm not giving up, because this has to stop. My eyes has been opened.  Hopefully my story and this video I asked True Conversations! to share help you understand why this has to stop." Thanks, Lauran

  

 

PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!

"I started off having a mommy that would polish my nails and a father that taught me how to ride a bike. But when I was walking home from school at ten years old two men grabbed me. My life was never the same after that day. I remember fighting for my life, but I was not strong enough to get away. I remember waking up in a hotel room, with all my clothes off while men were looking at me. I was so afraid as tears rolled down my eyes. My head was pounding and everything seemed like it was spiraling around. I was hoping it was a bad dream, but it was one of the worse days of my life. One of the men decided to buy me from the man that kidnapped me. I remembered him grabbing me by my waist and saying, “I will have to break her in before I make a penny off of her.” I soon found out what he meant that next morning. I was beat so bad, because I refused to do what he wanted me to do at first. I remember one of the girls telling me if I wanted to live I better obey. I wanted to live and be back in my parents’ arms so I obeyed.  I’m still to shame to say what I had to do for at least six years until I escaped.

You would think it was all greasy, fat, and old men that took advantage of me from the age 10 to 17. It was only a few of those type, but it was mostly nice looking husbands, doctors, lawyers, preachers, famous entertainers, and much more. I would tell them my age, hoping they would help me, but they all would ignore me. I found myself hating my long curly hair, skin color, beautiful face, and shapely body. I was always selected from a large group of girls to do the things your could never imagine.

Then one day a man that was very high picked me up and we got into a bad car accident on our way to one of those expensive hotels I was usually in at least 3 to 5 times a day.  I ended up in the hospital for about 2 weeks. I told my story to one of the nurses that I came to trust there. She reminded me of a friend that was beat to death for refusing to do what our snatcher asked her to do. She was very kind and called me baby liked my mother use to call me. I was always crying when she would come in my hospital room. The first few times she asked me what was wrong I was too afraid to tell her because of the many threats my snatcher told me. He told me over and over again he would kill my entire family. He even had pictures of my family to prove to me he was not playing.

I finally told her and my life changed for the best plus 6 of my friends became free and a few of the men ended up in jail. I gain at least 250 pounds and I’m happy to say I’m no longer beautiful. I don’t have to worry about being picked up by any man.  I don’t have to worry about a man looking at my body anymore. They no longer call for me. I will never have to worry about being picked from a group of women. No man looks at me. My relationship with my parents now is not good, because when I first went home I blamed them for not finding me. I was very rebellious because they were trying to treat me like the 10-year-old shy girl they remembered. I was a completely different person. I was very unhealthy and still in the process of healing. I’m afraid to be alone. I will not allow a man to touch me. I’m too afraid to go to football, basketball, golf games, concerts, plays, or hotels because that’s where the men would always take me. Some would try to give me flowers but I would throw them away the second they left the room. I never fell in love and will never allow myself too.

Parents please never let your children walk home alone! I don’t care what type of area you live in. I lived in a very small and beautiful neighborhood. The men that grabbed me were driving a Benz, which was the types of cars many of my neighbors had parked in their yards. It was not a black or white van with no windows. It can happen to anyone so don’t assume it won’t happen to you. I find myself crying a lot, there are days I wished my snatcher had killed me, I only have a 5^th grade education, and I don’t trust anyone.  Some days are good and some days are terrible. Today is one of my good days because I hope my story save another child’s life. I want to thank my friend Michelle for helping me write my story. I would not have been able to do it without her."

Tammy

If you have a story please send it to realtrueconversations@gmail.com

OUT OF ORDER

This story is about a loving, caring, God-fearing young adult…my daughter “Alicia”. She was born the 1^st of three, the only girl. Mama’s girl…yes. We did a lot of thing together. She was more than my daughter; she was my best friend, my life coach. I trusted her completely. One day I mentioned to her that I wanted to get my hair braided with highlights and she said “oh no Mommy, that won’t look good”.  So I decided to wait. The very next day she saw Starr Jones on “The View” with the same style. Then she said, “OK Mommy, go ahead and get it done that way it will look nice on you”! Gee, thanks Alicia for your permission…lol.

It was a few days later on September 25^th 2001; I had just come home from work. Alicia was having some pregnancy problems and I knew she had a Dr's appointment that day. Her husband called to say they admitted her into the hospital. She was 4 months pregnant. This was her second pregnancy. I went to the hospital and she was in a diabetic coma. Her sugar level was 1700. That’s right 1700. The doctors decided to flush her system out and see what happens. It worked. She started coming out of it. I rubbed her arms and whispered that it was going to be okay. When Alicia was born, she was 2 weeks late. At some point the placenta had stopped working and she lived off her own body. She was born skin and bones. I knew she was a survivor. Several hours passed and she was almost recovered. I stood amazed at the hand of God.  To see where she was and then we was making goggle eyes at each other hours later was amazing. She said “Mom, you’re so crazy” we laugh.  I told her since she was better; I was going home and would be back at 7:00am. It was 2:00am then. She said she was uncomfortable. I said to her to talk to her Daddy and that He loved her. He promised to never leave you and that He was a comforter, He would hear your prayer. She smiled and said “I know Mommy”. I blew her a kiss and left.

I had just gotten in the bed and was about to doze off when my phone rang. It was her husband. He asked me to come back to the hospital. My heart dropped. I grab some clothes, jumped in the car and headed back to the hospital. As I was walking, I would say, it’s ok Lorraine and walk normal, then panic would set in and I would almost run…time and time again until I got to ICU. I buzzed the door and they let me in. James, her husband, met me and said she had gone home to be with the Lord. I said NO, I just left her. He went to hug me and I pushed him away. My mind was saying, why is he lying to me, he’s never done that to me, why is he saying that. Then I looked and her OBGYN was heading toward me with tears in her eyes. That is when it hit me.  I went to see my daughter. She was just as beautiful then as she was when I left her. I shook her…nothing. I called her name…nothing. No hand squeezing. I immediately shut down, mind, body, spirit, soul…down. I called my cousin and she came to get me. Her brothers, Vernon and Kevin went to her home.

Her funeral was a few days later. I was still walking in shock…unbelief…questioning why. It was nice to see how she touched so many people’s lives. So many people came to say goodbye to a beautiful person. At the gravesite, a co-workers husband, Shawn, was holding on to me. Every now and then I would hear him say “I got you”. He stayed with me the whole time.  I went through that with the hand of God leading me.

In the coming weeks, I just did not know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. I went back to work and could not do it. I took a leave. At night while walking the floor asking God why, I would hear Shawn’s voice saying “I got you”. Day after day, night after night I would hear his voice “I got you” until his voice became the voice of the Lord. It was the Lord that told me to get up now, brush your teeth, shower, and put on these pants, shirt, comb your hair, shoes. He clothed me, He kept me clean, and He told me what to say. I would tell a friend about an appointment I had and when I was driving and did not know where I was, I would call her and she would direct me to my destination. Street that I had travelled for years became unknown to me. When it got to a point that I could not remember where I was going, I stopped driving. How do you handle something like this? How do you go on? This is out of order for a parent to lose a child…just out of order.

On the 30^th day anniversary of her death, I wrote Starr Jones and told her about this fun conversation I had with my daughter.  She wrote me back and said she hopes I look like a diva. Well about an hour later, I got an email from her producers asking me to come on the show. At that time, Starr did a Heart to Heart segment. So I told them I would. Toward the end of November, just before thanksgiving I went to NY to be on “The View”. Alicia’s birthday is November 22^nd and that year it fell on Thanksgiving. They had plan for my segment to show the Friday before Thanksgiving but once they found out her birthday fell on thanksgiving, they taped it to show on Thanksgiving Day. During the coordination of my stay there, her staff was so nice to me. I had everybody’s cell numbers in case I needed to talk, cry or scream. They knew where I was in my grief and were very sensitive to it. The braiders that did Starr’s hair did mines. Her makeup artist did my makeup; she had chosen 3 outfits for me to choose from in all the sizes I told them. They treated me like an angel. They put me in a recording room to record the email I sent to Starr. It took me about 2 hours to do because I was crying. Then I went to wardrobe and then to my hotel room. The next day was them filming my hair being braided and then back to the room. The third day was the taping. The whole time I was there, I still heard the voice of the Lord saying “I got you”. He guided my steps there every minute of the day. He spoke to me sweetly in my ear. I slept in His arms. As I walked the streets of NY looking for something to eat, He directed me to places that were close to my hotel. I did not have a mind to do anything. It was God.

So I did the show. Starr said my email touched her. It reminded her of her relationship with her mother. She said she wanted to bring one of our last fun conversations to life for me. Maybe she did not understand that God was all in that. It was God that touched her heart, it was God that put in her spirit to ask me to be on the show, it was God the coordinated the whole thing. He did that for me, to help me in my recovery. It was a way for me to say a worldly goodbye to my daughter.  Years later, things about that event would come back to me. Funny how God holds thing until the right time. So I will always have my last fun conversation with my Alicia on a tape.

A few months went by when I was having a slight pain. I went to my Doctor and he did a biopsy and found out I had breast cancer. WHAT….I’m still grieving? I just lost my best friend; I cannot go through this without her. Cancer…NO! I took a friend with me to my consultation because I knew I could not make a decision. She wrote down what the doctor said. We went to lunch and discuss it. She spoke to me slowly and explains my options all over again.  I was stage 1 and the Dr’s said the type of tumor I had was one of the best cancers to have, so to speak. He said it contained itself so they only would have to remove the tumor and tissue. I only needed radiation and not chemo. So I did it.

I find it amazing how God positions His children all over the world. At the radiation center, my tech recognized me from the show. She in turn told my Doctor and from that moment on, I was treated with love, respect and care. As I laid on the table waiting for my shot of radiation, I would hear God’s voice “I got you”. The word spread all over the center and people would just come up and hug me. They asked me to speak and show my video of The View at one of their functions. I thought, me…you want me to speak? So I did. Little did I realize how many people my story would touch. God is truly amazing. I had a driver that came and picked me up. He wasn’t just a driver, he was my angel. The joy he met me with every day for almost 3 months was contagious. He too was place in my life for me. On my last day, I think everybody wanted to wish me well. It just made me feel so good.

As I write this, I am reminded of the goodness of God. In life, you never know what tomorrow will hold for you. However, with the faith, love, the word of God resting in your mind, body, spirit and soul, He will bring you through. The times I would hold pills of anti-depression, sleeping, anxiety in my hand with a glass of water, it was the Lord that whispered in my ear…I got you over and over. The spirit of grief is a very heavy spirit. You can get lost in it and never return. I almost did. One night when I was crying out to the Lord, He asked me if I wanted to come home or live. I remember it took me a while to answer Him but I told Him I wanted to live. He then said “LIVE”. From that moment, my spirit grabbed hold to trust. Trust because I knew I had to do that in order to live. I had to trust Him that He would ease this burden I was carrying, I had to trust him that He would work out everything that concerns me, I had to trust Him and know that this happen for a reason, I had to trust Him to take care of my sons that was grieving so deeply, I just had to trust Him. One day when talking to God, He said, “I understand your pain, I too lost a son”. Those words really helped me to know that He really did understand what I was going through.

I can’t say I have been through anything as hard as losing my daughter. I’ve lost both of my parents, relatives that I loved dearly, jobs, apartments etc. But my child….the one I birthed, watch grow into a little girl, then teenager, then a wife and mother...very hard.  It seems the order is we lose our parents first, not lose our children. Out Of Order!

Today, I can look back on my life and see how far I have come. The lost is just as great now as it was then. However, I’ve learned to put one foot in front of the other and move on. Alicia is always with me. I sometimes can imagine what she would say to my new hair style or a new dress I purchased. I see her in Zachary, her first born, when he laughs sometimes. He has her hands. Yes sometimes I have to cry it out. Like now when 9-11 reminds me of our conservations knowing 15 days later I would lose my daughter. This year is the 10 year anniversary of her death also. I am not sure what I am going to do to celebrate her life but I will do something that I know she loved.

Whatever we face in life, God is always there to help us through. He loves us because we have chosen to follow Him.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths. Proverbs 3:5,6

Lorraine Brown