OUT OF ORDER

This story is about a loving, caring, God-fearing young adult…my daughter “Alicia”. She was born the 1^st of three, the only girl. Mama’s girl…yes. We did a lot of thing together. She was more than my daughter; she was my best friend, my life coach. I trusted her completely. One day I mentioned to her that I wanted to get my hair braided with highlights and she said “oh no Mommy, that won’t look good”.  So I decided to wait. The very next day she saw Starr Jones on “The View” with the same style. Then she said, “OK Mommy, go ahead and get it done that way it will look nice on you”! Gee, thanks Alicia for your permission…lol.

It was a few days later on September 25^th 2001; I had just come home from work. Alicia was having some pregnancy problems and I knew she had a Dr's appointment that day. Her husband called to say they admitted her into the hospital. She was 4 months pregnant. This was her second pregnancy. I went to the hospital and she was in a diabetic coma. Her sugar level was 1700. That’s right 1700. The doctors decided to flush her system out and see what happens. It worked. She started coming out of it. I rubbed her arms and whispered that it was going to be okay. When Alicia was born, she was 2 weeks late. At some point the placenta had stopped working and she lived off her own body. She was born skin and bones. I knew she was a survivor. Several hours passed and she was almost recovered. I stood amazed at the hand of God.  To see where she was and then we was making goggle eyes at each other hours later was amazing. She said “Mom, you’re so crazy” we laugh.  I told her since she was better; I was going home and would be back at 7:00am. It was 2:00am then. She said she was uncomfortable. I said to her to talk to her Daddy and that He loved her. He promised to never leave you and that He was a comforter, He would hear your prayer. She smiled and said “I know Mommy”. I blew her a kiss and left.

I had just gotten in the bed and was about to doze off when my phone rang. It was her husband. He asked me to come back to the hospital. My heart dropped. I grab some clothes, jumped in the car and headed back to the hospital. As I was walking, I would say, it’s ok Lorraine and walk normal, then panic would set in and I would almost run…time and time again until I got to ICU. I buzzed the door and they let me in. James, her husband, met me and said she had gone home to be with the Lord. I said NO, I just left her. He went to hug me and I pushed him away. My mind was saying, why is he lying to me, he’s never done that to me, why is he saying that. Then I looked and her OBGYN was heading toward me with tears in her eyes. That is when it hit me.  I went to see my daughter. She was just as beautiful then as she was when I left her. I shook her…nothing. I called her name…nothing. No hand squeezing. I immediately shut down, mind, body, spirit, soul…down. I called my cousin and she came to get me. Her brothers, Vernon and Kevin went to her home.

Her funeral was a few days later. I was still walking in shock…unbelief…questioning why. It was nice to see how she touched so many people’s lives. So many people came to say goodbye to a beautiful person. At the gravesite, a co-workers husband, Shawn, was holding on to me. Every now and then I would hear him say “I got you”. He stayed with me the whole time.  I went through that with the hand of God leading me.

In the coming weeks, I just did not know what to do, where to go, who to talk to. I went back to work and could not do it. I took a leave. At night while walking the floor asking God why, I would hear Shawn’s voice saying “I got you”. Day after day, night after night I would hear his voice “I got you” until his voice became the voice of the Lord. It was the Lord that told me to get up now, brush your teeth, shower, and put on these pants, shirt, comb your hair, shoes. He clothed me, He kept me clean, and He told me what to say. I would tell a friend about an appointment I had and when I was driving and did not know where I was, I would call her and she would direct me to my destination. Street that I had travelled for years became unknown to me. When it got to a point that I could not remember where I was going, I stopped driving. How do you handle something like this? How do you go on? This is out of order for a parent to lose a child…just out of order.

On the 30^th day anniversary of her death, I wrote Starr Jones and told her about this fun conversation I had with my daughter.  She wrote me back and said she hopes I look like a diva. Well about an hour later, I got an email from her producers asking me to come on the show. At that time, Starr did a Heart to Heart segment. So I told them I would. Toward the end of November, just before thanksgiving I went to NY to be on “The View”. Alicia’s birthday is November 22^nd and that year it fell on Thanksgiving. They had plan for my segment to show the Friday before Thanksgiving but once they found out her birthday fell on thanksgiving, they taped it to show on Thanksgiving Day. During the coordination of my stay there, her staff was so nice to me. I had everybody’s cell numbers in case I needed to talk, cry or scream. They knew where I was in my grief and were very sensitive to it. The braiders that did Starr’s hair did mines. Her makeup artist did my makeup; she had chosen 3 outfits for me to choose from in all the sizes I told them. They treated me like an angel. They put me in a recording room to record the email I sent to Starr. It took me about 2 hours to do because I was crying. Then I went to wardrobe and then to my hotel room. The next day was them filming my hair being braided and then back to the room. The third day was the taping. The whole time I was there, I still heard the voice of the Lord saying “I got you”. He guided my steps there every minute of the day. He spoke to me sweetly in my ear. I slept in His arms. As I walked the streets of NY looking for something to eat, He directed me to places that were close to my hotel. I did not have a mind to do anything. It was God.

So I did the show. Starr said my email touched her. It reminded her of her relationship with her mother. She said she wanted to bring one of our last fun conversations to life for me. Maybe she did not understand that God was all in that. It was God that touched her heart, it was God that put in her spirit to ask me to be on the show, it was God the coordinated the whole thing. He did that for me, to help me in my recovery. It was a way for me to say a worldly goodbye to my daughter.  Years later, things about that event would come back to me. Funny how God holds thing until the right time. So I will always have my last fun conversation with my Alicia on a tape.

A few months went by when I was having a slight pain. I went to my Doctor and he did a biopsy and found out I had breast cancer. WHAT….I’m still grieving? I just lost my best friend; I cannot go through this without her. Cancer…NO! I took a friend with me to my consultation because I knew I could not make a decision. She wrote down what the doctor said. We went to lunch and discuss it. She spoke to me slowly and explains my options all over again.  I was stage 1 and the Dr’s said the type of tumor I had was one of the best cancers to have, so to speak. He said it contained itself so they only would have to remove the tumor and tissue. I only needed radiation and not chemo. So I did it.

I find it amazing how God positions His children all over the world. At the radiation center, my tech recognized me from the show. She in turn told my Doctor and from that moment on, I was treated with love, respect and care. As I laid on the table waiting for my shot of radiation, I would hear God’s voice “I got you”. The word spread all over the center and people would just come up and hug me. They asked me to speak and show my video of The View at one of their functions. I thought, me…you want me to speak? So I did. Little did I realize how many people my story would touch. God is truly amazing. I had a driver that came and picked me up. He wasn’t just a driver, he was my angel. The joy he met me with every day for almost 3 months was contagious. He too was place in my life for me. On my last day, I think everybody wanted to wish me well. It just made me feel so good.

As I write this, I am reminded of the goodness of God. In life, you never know what tomorrow will hold for you. However, with the faith, love, the word of God resting in your mind, body, spirit and soul, He will bring you through. The times I would hold pills of anti-depression, sleeping, anxiety in my hand with a glass of water, it was the Lord that whispered in my ear…I got you over and over. The spirit of grief is a very heavy spirit. You can get lost in it and never return. I almost did. One night when I was crying out to the Lord, He asked me if I wanted to come home or live. I remember it took me a while to answer Him but I told Him I wanted to live. He then said “LIVE”. From that moment, my spirit grabbed hold to trust. Trust because I knew I had to do that in order to live. I had to trust Him that He would ease this burden I was carrying, I had to trust him that He would work out everything that concerns me, I had to trust Him and know that this happen for a reason, I had to trust Him to take care of my sons that was grieving so deeply, I just had to trust Him. One day when talking to God, He said, “I understand your pain, I too lost a son”. Those words really helped me to know that He really did understand what I was going through.

I can’t say I have been through anything as hard as losing my daughter. I’ve lost both of my parents, relatives that I loved dearly, jobs, apartments etc. But my child….the one I birthed, watch grow into a little girl, then teenager, then a wife and mother...very hard.  It seems the order is we lose our parents first, not lose our children. Out Of Order!

Today, I can look back on my life and see how far I have come. The lost is just as great now as it was then. However, I’ve learned to put one foot in front of the other and move on. Alicia is always with me. I sometimes can imagine what she would say to my new hair style or a new dress I purchased. I see her in Zachary, her first born, when he laughs sometimes. He has her hands. Yes sometimes I have to cry it out. Like now when 9-11 reminds me of our conservations knowing 15 days later I would lose my daughter. This year is the 10 year anniversary of her death also. I am not sure what I am going to do to celebrate her life but I will do something that I know she loved.

Whatever we face in life, God is always there to help us through. He loves us because we have chosen to follow Him.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths. Proverbs 3:5,6

Lorraine Brown