Contemplation of Suicide Multiple Times... Today I'm a Nurse that Helps

40 years ago (give or take a few months) I was born. I grew up in a small town. There was not much to do when you grow up poor, especially when your parents have three others to care for too. I was second on the totem pole of the siblings in my immediate family. I spent as much time as I could, in the library and at church. Our library was small but very relevant. All the new movies that came out during that time, that we never got to see in the theater, (Star wars and ET for example) the local library carried the books with pictures and a short synopsis of the movie in them. It helped me to feel as if I saw the film, although I did not. ( I have not seen all of E. T. to this date). I lived for school, church and my family. I was the favorite of my teachers at church and at school because I was so eager to learn, do my best and be a “good girl”.  I was my maternal grandma’s favorite too.  (I have written proof of this).

I was in third grade when I was first baptized. I believe it was in March, but it could have easily been in April. It was an enchanting conversion. I was last of the three youths who were baptized that Sunday. First, Corey, then Anita , and then me. I did not ask my parents’ permission to do so. I was invited just like any other sinner is/was. “Is there anyone else who wants to get baptized today?” asked Pastor Johnson. I felt a strong inclination to go. It was as if I were physically aligned with the water to my heart. I had no other choice! I had to go. I felt as if I were in a state of a trance and I had no control over this decision. I also felt so compelled to be baptized on that Sunday.  As I rose to go get ready, I felt as if I was attached  to a clothesline and the spirit of God was reeling me in to Him in the direction of the alter. If my parents had told me I could not have been baptized, I think I would have despised them forever. My life would have been ruined. I would have been extremely promiscuous, a drug  addict , and a superbly bitter, angry and hateful  woman.  I would never have had the strength to overcome many of the obstacles I faced from age 8 until now. Pastor Johnson did ask my parents if it was ok and they both agreed and I was baptized. My mom looked a little teary and my dad was praising God. I came out of the water jumping up and down and praising God, just like Corey and Anita. I certainly did not try to imitate them at all, but, I could not help it.  Before being submerged under the water, I was told to cross my arms and hold my breath by pinching my nose. As I was submerged, I had an out of body experience!!  I saw myself getting baptized!! It was surreal to see myself go under the water and realize that at the same time, that I felt as if I was standing and looking at myself as a spectator.  I was watching myself being submerged in the freezing cold water. Later on, weeks later, I tarried for the Holy Ghost at a revival hosted by my Late Uncle Robert from Fayetteville, NC. Bernadette, Corey, I and a few others were brought into the church dining room and were read the story that culminated in Acts2:38 by Zander Johnson. (The story of the upper room-to set the “mood” if you will).  We prayed and were encouraged to praise God. We started all monotone and unsure of ourselves, but I got to thanking Jesus sincerely and my left hand went up and I don’t remember a whole lot after that. I do remember that everybody that was once in a small prayer circle was in different locations in the dining area praising God individually. There was an alter worker near each of us encouraging us to praise God and praising God with us. Claretha was in my ear and at one point she asked me what was I thanking Him for and I blurted out “the Holy Ghost” not knowing what else to say and being lead by the spirit, of course!  Once I confessed, the alter workers’ work was done and she kind of left me alone. 

Anyway that experience prepared me to deal with the death of my Grandfather, my parents’ divorce, physical and emotional separation and alienation from my parents and siblings because of the divorce of my parents. I also dealt with my parent’s moods, emotional and sometimes physical abuse because I reminded each of them so much of the other one when living with them individually after their divorce. It also helped me deal with attending 4 different high schools within 4 years, making and loosing friends, graduating High school, college, contemplation of suicide multiple times while a sophomore at FSU, being too scared and proud to get help for clinical depression, manicurist school, dropping out of Grad school, my own marriage and divorce, getting help for depression, getting kicked out of marriage counseling, getting kicked out of two other counselors care because I had goals and I was a boring patient. I was able to cope with, living alone for the first time, the death of my 4 of my family members from a car accident on their way back from a wedding in GA, maternal grandma’s death, moving to Charlotte, losing my best friends (one to death and the others to jealous scheming and a wedding) (Congratulations, my Love ring a bell?). I was able to also cope with working two crappy jobs to pay debt my x-husband left me with. [That mustard-(change the mu in mustard to b- a please] still owes me over 18,000 dollars!!! Lord forgive me for cursing!-And I will get it all back, so help me Jesus!). I also dealt with not trusting men and women, getting rejected by the Air Force for having eczema, watching my nieces and nephews grow up, purchasing a home, break- ups. I also had the privilege of revisiting a child hood dream and I enrolled in nursing school. It was like boot camp and hell all in one. As a result of that success, I was able to begin working at a hospital. I experienced buying my first new car, getting an MSN in nursing with a concentration in Family Practice which was difficult to do too. (Like boot camp and hell in a hand basket, times 10-to the millionth power- challenging). In addition to that, a certification exam had to be taken, then the job search. While undergoing the MSN experience I was able to get scary medical diagnoses. My dad moved to Charlotte, bringing his unique set of challenges. I am currently enduring my first NP job. I got to go to Las Vegas for the first time for my first AANP (American Academy of Nurse Practitioners) conference. While there, I was able to tour the Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam and many important points of interest while I was in the Vegas neighborhood. I also got to deal with a lot of goings on surrounding my brother’s recent wedding.  

All of these great and horrible experiences could not have been faced by me without my prayer life. I know that having begun a relationship with God at an early age spared me from a lot of despair and from death by my own hands and the hands of others. I discovered that I did not want to die, but I did not know how to live (quote from Pastor John P. Kee). I am learning everyday how to live as I have come full circle. I am now at the living alone stage again.  I am learning how now to take care of myself and do things for me because all the others that I did for and lived for and through do not need me to care for them. They have grown up. So now, the woman who God delivered from being a yes girl and a doormat can focus on herself more and learn and grow more even at the ripe age of 40.

Written by Neda Williams Farmer

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