Trying to Forget!

"I am a retired professional ball payer and known around the world, but I’m not ready for the world to know about my past.  It has been in the back of my mind for years. I tried to ignore it, but something reminds me of it everyday. I was in the gym one morning and I came to the conclusion I needed to talk to someone before I spoke to my wife about it or before I went insane. I don’t trust our priest because one raped my sister. I can’t go to a support group because my business will be all over LA and the next thing you know Oprah’s staff will be chasing me down for a story or do some type of sick reality show. I did not want to go to a therapist that’s known in my circle, but someone I know never heard of before. This really worked out for me. I found her on Facebook by reading one of her blogs. She is cute and I tried to flirt with her, but she cursed me out without using curse words. She’s a firecracker like my wife! I never thought about even trying that again and realized my wife could trust her so I started having counseling sessions with her.

It was not easy at first because I wanted her to acknowledge who I was and respect my name. She acted as though she did not know who I was and told me she was not in my life to be one of my fans but help me face what I was dealing with as my therapist. She had a nerve! She is always talking about how her role would never change and she was this way with all her clients. I asked her not to call me a patient or her client because I was not sick or mental ill like most people she dealt with, I just needed to forget about something I did a long time ago so I could really move forward in my life.  

One of my assignments was to tell my story to someone I trusted. I’m not about to do that or yet! I felt doing it here on True Conversations! was safer. I’m doing part of the assignment, so that should be good enough. Plus I’m telling more than one person, but a lot of people.

Here it goes…

When I was 18 years old I made a friend abort my child and then the girl killed herself after killing the baby. O.k.! I wrote IT! I’ve blamed myself for years for killing both of them. All I could think about during that time was my future. I had so many things going for me, but I was not going to let this one nightstand get in my way. Plus I did not know she was crazy enough to kill herself. Now that I have everything I could ever dream of, I can’t forget this mistake! I agree with my therapist that I’m in the process of learning how to forgive myself. In our next session, I think I need to tell her how I also wonder if my family would forgive me. I have many children by a few women and I don’t take care half of them – too expensive. This does not bother me as bad as what I just wrote. Plus the woman I love, my wife can’t have children. I feel like I’ve been curse or something!

If you saw me and spend time with me you would think I’m a gentlemen because my stepfather taught me to be one. My mother always told me to treat women with respect. The friends I chased with did not agree with my parents so I follow their ways of treating woman. My wife will not allow me to treat her any kind of way so that stopped with her. She reminds me of my mother, who died on last year. I miss my MOM cursing me out and then telling me I needed to do confessions. My mother pushed me or made sure I gave out my best. She was so proud of me, but if she knew about this I’m not sure she wouldn’t have been proud about everything I’ve done.

This is my story, I do not feel anything by writing this story but I can see how my therapist has helped . I would not have wrote about my past two weeks ago. I'm better than where I started, I have to tell my wife soon. I guess I practiced here. True Conversations! want us to write things that will help or inform others. I guess I will inform you by saying if you need to talk to someone about an issue find someone that's has been trained not to be insane or a license professional unless you want to become worse.

Back to the gym!"